


Care

by foureyedwriter



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-10-23 20:50:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10726983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foureyedwriter/pseuds/foureyedwriter
Summary: Iwaizumi doesn't believe that anyone cares for him. But there are people, aren't they?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi :) 
> 
> Here's a new IwaOi- fic. This one is about Iwaizumi's insecurities and fears. I read a lot about Oikawa and his anxiety and I wondered, if Iwaizumi has something like that as well. 
> 
> He has obviously- at least in this fiction ;) 
> 
> Please enjoy and have a nice day ^^

"You really don't need to escort me to my door, Makki. I'm flattered though, but what will Mattsun say?" Oikawa tried to sound cheerful, even if he was anything but. 

Hanamaki snorted. "You can barely walk on your own, shithead. As if I would leave you alone..." 

In fact Hanamaki carried most of Oikawa's body weight. The setter's arm was slung around the other man's shoulder, Hanamaki's arm around his waist, as they climbed the stairs to Oikawa's apartment. Eventually they arrived at the second floor, Oikawa more panting than he should after just a few stairs, and Hanamaki was a little out of breath as well. 

"Do you have your keys?" Hanamaki asked. 

"Of course", Oikawa singsonged, but it sounded false, tired. The setter pulled the key out of the pocket of his pants- and dropped it immediately, a gasp escaping his lips. 

Im front of his door sat a familiar figure on the floor, knees pulled towards his chest. A man, Oikawa knew his whole life, even though they hadn't seen esch other for at least six months. 

"Iwa- chan...", Oikawa whispered in disbelief. Hanamaki's expression wasn't any different. 

Iwaizumi stared at his former teammates that approached him. He took in Oikawa's form, heavily supported by Hanamaki. The setter looked exhausted, tired, sick, and the sight made his stomach drop, even though his childhood friend managed to smile. Hesitantly Iwaizumi got up from the floor, dusting up his pants. 

"Hi, Trashykawa. Hi, Makki..." 

Oikawa noticed the concern in Iwaizumi's eyes. An expression he had seen quite often, as they still used to be close to each other. He steadied himself at the wall, while Hanamaki picked up the key. 

"It's been some time", Oikawa said, as silence spread between the three of them. "Err,.. do you... do you want to come in with us?"

"Of course he wants. He waited in front of your door, Oikawa", Hanamaki deadpanned. His gaze fell on the duffel bag on the floor. Oikawa saw it as well. 

Iwaizumi shifted on his feet. "In fact I need a place to stay for a little while. But.. I'm not sure, if it's the right time to ask such a favor..." He scratched the back of his neck nervously. 

"It is", Oikawa said. "It is the right time. Come in with us, Iwa- chan." 

Iwaizumi showed a small smile and followed Oikawa, once again supported by Makki, as the latter had unlocked the door. 

Oikawa's apartment hadn't changed much since Iwaizumi had last been here. Half a year ago. Hanamaki guided Oikawa to the couch, before he went into the kitchen to prepare some food and tea. 

"I know you won't eat anything if I just leave", Makki had dryly said. 

Oikawa hadn't had the energy to complain about that insult; mostly because Makki was right. The setter looked at Iwaizumi who looked at the ground. "Make yourself at home", he said softly. "Take a seat." 

Iwaizumi sat down on the couch next to Oikawa, but keeping some space between them. From the kitchen they heard little noises from Hanamaki preparing some food. 

"Thank you for having me", Iwaizumi said, fidgeting nervously with his hands. 

"Anytime", Oikawa replied without hesitation, and that made Iwaizumi look up at him. 

"Even though I was gone so long?" 

Oikawa grinned. "I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be a little mad and a little hurt about your disappearing, but still..." He shrugged. "Maybe I can finally get some answers."

"First of all drink some tea. Both of you", Hanamaki said, placing two steaming mugs on the small table in front of them. "And you should rest up, Oikawa." 

Oikawa rolled his eyes. "Are you my mom now, Makki?" 

"Most likely", Hanamaki nodded with a serious expression. "And don't forget to take your pills!" He then turned towards Iwaizumi. "And you look like you need a good nights sleep as well, Iwaizumi." 

The dark- haired crooked a smile. "Thanks for the tea, Makki." 

Hanamaki nodded once more. "This talk about stuff- you two should wait with that, so that Mattsun can participate."

Oikawa let out an exaggerated sigh. "No? Iwa- chan and me prefer privacy, you know? You two are always so nosy..." 

Iwaizumi grinned for real this time. He had felt insecure and anxious about appearing in front of Oikawa's door, but it seemed as if this wouldn't have been such a bad idea after all. Sure, they had to talk over a lot, but for now Iwaizumi was glad, that he was here. 

"Nosy?" Hanamaki repeated, mocking to be offended. "I am nothing but concerned, Oikawa, because I care for your well- being. Okay, and I really want to know where our lost son has been." 

"Isn't Iwa- chan more likely the lost dad?" Oikawa mused and Iwaizumi couldn't help but reaching out to flick Oikawa's forehead. 

"Lost dad...", he said. 

"Ouch! Iwa- chan is still so mean", Oikawa pouted, rubbing his forehead. "Be nicer to me. It was a rough day..." 

Iwaizumi's expression changed into something softer immediately. He could see that much. Oikawa needing Hanamaki's support to walk, his tired eyes, even though Iwaizumi wasn't sure if other people would notice. He just knew where to look; had always known. 

The dark- haired didn't look any better by all means, but in the very moment, he had laid eyes on Oikawa again, the setter dominated his thoughts. The time they had been apart doesn't seem to exist. 

Hanamaki pushed a chair towards Oikawa and gave the brown- haired a look. With another sigh Oikawa propped his right leg up and on the chair. "Happy now?" 

"Not in the slightest. I still have to deal with you idiots", Hanamaki shot back. "I'll be in the kitchen. Behave, you two." 

Oikawa crossed his arms in front of his chest, rolling his eyes. "Yes, mom", he sighed. 

Iwaizumi chewed on the inside of his cheek, looking at Oikawa, more precisely at his knee. "Did you", he began and stopped to clear his throat. "Did you overwork yourself again?" 

"Iwa- chan, so mean!" Oikawa whined but sighed then, expression more serious. "Kind of."

Iwaizumi raised a brow, waiting for Oikawa to continue. And the latter did, but differently than Iwaizumi had expected. 

"I will tell you, once we talked about the other stuff." 'I won't open up to you just now' was left unsaid, but Iwaizumi got it nevertheless. "It's not a big deal, though." 

Iwaizumi nodded slowly, aware, that he wouldn't get any more information right now. But for the time being he still was glad. Even after all this time, after Iwaizumi leaving his childhood friend behind, Oikawa's door still was open for him. 

Hanamaki returned from the kitchen with two plates in hand, which he placed in front of Oikawa and Iwaizumi. "Eat, kids", he said with a grin. "I will prepare the futon for you, Iwaizumi, then I've got to go." 

"Thanks a lot, Makki", Oikawa replied. 

Iwaizumi frowned. "I can prepare the futon myself. You don't have to do that..." 

"I know", Hanamaki said, waving dismissively with his hand. "But I want to. And you should eat and afterwards sleep. Both of you." 

Oikawa rolled his eyes, but smiled all the while. "Got it, mom." 

Soon after Hanamaki had left, not without making sure both of them had what they needed and would go to sleep soon. It was awkward to be alone all of a sudden, Iwaizumi thought. The fact hurt because it was Oikawa he was with. It had never been awkward between the two of them, not like now. 

"We really should get some sleep. Make yourself comfortable, Iwa- chan", Oikawa said, breaking the silence. He got up from the couch, slowly, carefully. He felt still a little unsteady on his feet, but it was already better after having eaten. 

"Should I...", Iwaizumi spoke up, pausing, looking insecurely up at Oikawa. "Should I help you?"

"Aaaaw, worried about me, Iwa- chan?" Oikawa grinned, but shook his head. "It's okay. Thank you." 

After Oikawa had went into his bedroom, the door closing behind him with a soft click, Iwaizumi was alone with his thoughts. He knew he needed to talk to Oikawa, he owed him that much. But it wasn't easy. Iwaizumi had his own demons haunting him and making his thoughts spin. Maybe he shouldn't have come to Oikawa of all people. Doubt showed its ugly face. 

***

The next morning Oikawa felt better than the day before. He still was grateful that Hanamaki had taken care of him. It had been a struggle for Oikawa to care enough about himself lately. And not just lately. He had been pretty bad at taking care for himself ever since he could remember, but back then there had always been Iwaizumi to stop him from overdoing it, from hurting himself. But as Iwaizumi had left it had run downhill in many ways. Not that Oikawa would ever admit that. 

But now all could go back to normal; or so Oikawa hoped. Iwaizumi was back, and even though there were a lot of things to talk about, to sort out, Oikawa was positive it would work out. They were still friends, or why else would Iwaizumi have come back? 

Oikawa got up and went out of his room to walk over to the livingroom. He wanted to see, if Iwaizumi was still asleep. The dark- haired had looked pretty exhausted yesterday. But as Oikawa entered the livingroom the futon was empty as the room. There was no trace of Iwaizumi. Oikawa just stared. 

The apartment was quiet except of his speed up breathing and his heart beating loudly in his ears. He turned around. Iwaizumi's shoes were gone. 

Iwaizumi was gone. 

Again. 

Oikawa's world shattered.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :)   
> Here we go with the second chapter! Thank you so much for reading, commenting, Kudos and bookmarks! I really appreciate that <3

The last time Oikawa spoke to Iwaizumi was over the phone. They hadn't seen each other for a while now, and Oikawa was tired of that. 

"Iwa- chan~", he whined. "I'm your best friend and I miss you. I miss spending time with you. But you're always busy..." 

"Don't be a child, Shittykawa", Iwaizumi sighed. His voice sounded distant not just because of the fact they were talking on the phone. "University is busy. You should know as well."

"Don't you miss me?" Oikawa asked. 

"I need to hang up", was Iwaizumi's only reply before he ended the call. Oikawa stared at his phone, trying to understand what had just happened. Something seemed to be off and Iwaizumi didn't say anything. Didn't he trust him? 

The next time Oikawa tried to call Iwaizumi, his world shattered for the first time. 

"The number you are calling is no longer available." 

He had never talked to his best friend again since then. Not until Iwaizumi had appeared in front of his door to make his world shatter again. 

***

Oikawa couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe, as he sank to the floor, not noticing the pain in his knee. His vision was blurred by the tears, that ran over his cheeks, as a heartbreaking sob wrecked his body. 

Iwaizumi was gone. 

Iwaizumi left. 

Why? Why did this happen again? Oikawa pulled desperately at the collar of his shirt, as if that would make breathing easier. 

It didn't. 

Black dots started to dance in front of Oikawa, but he just couldn't breathe. He started to feel dizzy. And then- 

Strong arms were wrapped around Oikawa's violently trembling form and even in his state of panic Oikawa recognized the scent of the person, the warmth, that was pressed against his back. It was unmistakable him. 

"Oikawa..."

It was Iwaizumi's voice and the thought made Oikawa's breath hitch. He pressed against the other man's chest, still struggling to breathe, as Iwaizumi just held him. 

"It's okay", Iwaizumi said, again and again, like a mantra. And eventually it started to calm Oikawa down. "What happened?" 

Oikawa took a shuddering breath, then another. "I... I thought you... left", he croaked out. 

Iwaizumi's heart ached at these words and he swallowed to get rid of the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry..." 

Iwaizumi had just wanted to get some fresh air and had even stopped at the convenience store to buy some milk bread for Oikawa. As he had entered the apartment again he had seen the setter on the floor, struggling to breathe, and so caught up in his panic, that he didn't notice Iwaizumi entering. He couldn't help but think Oikawa shouldn't be crumbled on the floor. He was a shining star, born to be up in the sky, shining, while Iwaizumi was bound to earth, looking from a distance. He wasn't supposed to hold Oikawa down. And now he was the reason why he found Oikawa broken like that and this thought made Iwaizumi nauseous. 

"I- Iwa- chan ", Oikawa sobbed. "D- don't leave me again. I can't stand it." 

Iwaizumi tightened his embrace, swallowing dry. "I'm so sorry, Oikawa..." His own voice wavered thick of emotions Iwaizumi wanted to hide, but he wasn't able to right now. His best friend was like this because of him. 

The thought scared Iwaizumi. He shouldn't be that important to the setter. He wasn't even important to himself anymore. But for now, for now he would say what Oikawa needed to hear, he would allow himself to hold this bright star close to him, until he could fly up to the sky again. If Oikawa knew what had happened to Iwaizumi, how he had lived the six months, he would be glad when Iwaizumi left again. The dark- haired was sure about that. But for now he would just be there for Oikawa, helping him to calm down. 

Iwaizumi changed his hold around the other man and stood up, carrying him. Oikawa didn't make a sound, just held on to Iwaizumi. Carefully Iwaizumi set his childhood friend down on the couch, not letting go of him. 

"I won't leave", he said softly and Oikawa nodded, wiping away some of his tears with his sleeve. 

"Okay." 

It took a little while before Oikawa really had calmed down, Iwaizumi holding him and stroking his soft hair all the while. Oikawa let out a sigh, still a little shaky but much better than earlier. "Where have you been?" he eventually asked. 

"I was out to buy some milk bread", Iwaizumi replied and smiled, as Oikawa moved a little to look up at him. 

"You bought milk bread?" 

Iwaizumi nodded. 

"That's so nice of you, Iwa- chan", Oikawa said with a small smile. "I will forgive you scaring me like that." 

Iwaizumi chuckled. "I'm lucky then. And I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." 

Oikawa hummed. "I know." 

***

Iwaizumi had forgotten what it felt like to spend time with his childhood best friend. He had forgotten what it felt like to be just himself and he was surprised, how easy it came to him with Oikawa. It felt as if there wouldn't have been any time passed since their last conversation and Iwaizumi felt really at ease. At least for a few, precious moments. He felt Oikawa's gaze on him, could nearly hear the other's spinning thoughts. 

"I guess, I owe you at least an explanation ", Iwaizumi finally said, clearing his throat. Oikawa looked at him, curious but patient at the same time. 

"I won't push you", Oikawa replied. And he meant it, Iwaizumi knew. But still there was this nagging feeling he needed to talk about it, before his courage would leave him. 

"I know", Iwaizumi sighed and ran a hand through his spiky looking hair. "But I really should. It's just... it's not easy." He fidgeted with his fingers and the sight made Oikawa's chest tighten. It was so unfamiliar to see Iwaizumi like that. Sure, the wing spiker has always had his own insecurities in some ways, but this was different. He seemed afraid. And that thought pained Oikawa. 

"If it's too hard just now you don't need to", Oikawa said, reaching out to grab Iwaizumi's hand, squeezing it. "But whatever it is- you will always be my best friend, Iwa- chan. No matter what." Oikawa hadn't any idea what the reason behind Iwaizumi's disappearance could have been, but he knew that his best friend wouldn't leave like that without a good one. 

Iwaizumi squeezed Oikawa's hand back, looking down at their entwined fingers. The warm feeling and soft pressure of the touch calmed him a little. He sighed deeply, not letting go of Oikawa. 

"You... you remember the guy, I met after one of our matches?" Iwaizumi finally said. 

Oikawa nodded. "This guy with broad shoulders and arms thicker than my legs? Oh, yes, I do. You dated him, didn't you?"

Iwaizumi smiled sadly. "I did. Right after we entered university I started seeing him. And at first it was nice." 

Oikawa listened. It wasn't like Iwaizumi to cut off any contact because of some kind of love story. There must have been more to it. So he just remained silent, waiting for Iwaizumi to continue. He himself remembered their start at university, at different universities though, but both in Tokyo at least. But back then Iwaizumi started to act differently. Maybe Oikawa finally would get his answers. 

After six long months.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :) 
> 
> Finally Iwaizumi tells a few things about his absence, but we're just scratching the surface in this chapter. There is more to come later in the story. 
> 
> Thanks a lot for reading, commenting and Kudos until now :D 
> 
> Have a nice day!

Iwaizumi looked in the distance, as he licked his dry lips. "At first we dated like people use to do it. It was fun and I... I started to fall for him." 

Under normal circumstances Oikawa would tease Iwaizumi about his taste in men, but he didn't. He began to run small circles on Iwaizumi's hand, still holding it. 

"He wanted to spend all his time with me and awaited from me to want the same. Once, after you and me had met, he got pretty mad at me and asked me, if my friends would be more important to me than him... I was crazy in love or something like that and of course I wanted to be with him. But more likely I just didn't want him to be angry at me again. I... I really thought I loved him and his jealousy was... was somewhat flattering." 

"That was the time, when I started to cancel our movie nights and other stuff. But soon after that wasn't enough for him anymore. He wanted me to move in with him and I agreed. I had no reason not to- I thought I loved him and he loved me. Someone loved me. I would have done anything to keep that..." Iwaizumi's voice was trembling slightly and Oikawa felt a pang in his chest. 

"Iwa- chan...", the setter all but whispered. It made him deeply sad to think that Iwaizumi hadn't felt loved until then. Especially since Oikawa loved Iwaizumi as long as he could remember- even though he had never told him so. Maybe he should have, but that wasn't the point now. 

"I know! It's stupid. That's what you think, isn't it?" Iwaizumi didn't look at Oikawa, but at their connected hands. 

"Feelings are never stupid, Iwa- chan." 

"So, you know what happened next. I... disappeared, left my friends behind, university, even you...", Iwaizumi continued. "And as I started to think about my decisions, about what I had done for that guy, I confronted him and said, that I wanted to have my life back and my friends. He laughed at me and said I wouldn't matter to anyone but him. That there would be nowhere I could return to. And I believed him." 

"I know I shouldn't have, but I hated myself so much! For leaving like I did, for feeling so unworthy, not good enough for anyone or anything... He said I could be grateful, that he took me. And once more I believed him..." Iwaizumi wiped his eyes as he spokex and took a shuddering breath. 

Oikawa could no longer just sit there and listen. He pulled Iwaizumi closer and into a warm embrace, holding him tight. 

"This guy is the worst! You're worth everything, Iwa- chan! You deserve the best and nothing less. I'm so sorry he said such things to you. I'm so sorry you believed him!" Oikawa said, voice thick with emotion. 

Iwaizumi tensed at first, surprised by the sudden touch, but after a few heartbeats he returned the embrace. "He was right, Oikawa", he whispered into the crook of his neck. "What kind of person am I to leave my friends like that? And you... you welcome me with open arms, even after I just left." 

"Iwa- chan! This guy made use of your insecurities. I wish you would have talked to me, though. Thank you for doing now..." 

Iwaizumi couldn't help but cry. Oikawa's words and the warmth of his touch made him crumble. But still he thought Oikawa shouldn't comfort him, shouldn't hold him like that. He felt guilty. 

Oikawa mumbled sweet nothings into Iwaizumi's ear like the latter had done for him countless times. It was hard to see Iwaizumi like that. The pillar, the always strong Iwaizumi, broken and insecure like that. Not that he had never seen Iwaizumi cry, just not like this. The desperation surrounding the wing spiker was so out of character for Iwaizumi, that Oikawa could hardly stand it. Not that leaving Iwaizumi would ever be an option. Not after having already lost him for six months. Oikawa would do anything he could to comfort his childhood friend, who had ever been more to him than that. 

Slowly Iwaizumi's sobbing ebbed away, his breathing became calmer, but he didn't move. And Oikawa didn't stop to stroke the other man's hair, to hold him close. 

"You know, Iwa- chan", Oikawa spoke after a while. "I should have showed you more often what you mean to me. This horrible person wouldn't have had any chance then. If you had known. I'm sorry, Iwa- chan. I'm so sorry I wasn't good enough as a friend." Perhaps these were the wrong things to say, but nonetheless Oikawa felt like he needed to, like he needed Iwaizumi to hear that. 

"You were always good enough. Even though you're doubting yourself all the time. I wasn't", Iwaizumi all but whispered. 

"You were. Always. You were good enough and more", Oikawa replied. "You still are. If only you could see what I see." 

Iwaizumi snorted. "A crying mess?" 

Oikawa snickered softly. "That, too. But much more, Hajime." 

The use of his first name made Iwaizumi look up. Oikawa called him nearly never by his first name, just in moments he was absolutely serious. But still... "What are you talking about? I'm a mess. I'm nothing..." 

"Hajime!" Oikawa's voice became louder. "Don't ever say that again!" He cupped Iwaizumi's tear strained cheek, looking him in the eyes. "You really don't know, how wonderful you are..." 

These words, even though Iwaizumi couldn't believe them, touched something within his chest and made him cry again. Iwaizumi hadn't known that he had so many tears to cry. Oikawa held him close, comforting him, until Iwaizumi finally, exhausted from all this crying, fell asleep. 

***

"So, are the two of you okay?" Makki asked, his concern audible even through the phone. 

Oikawa looked over to the couch, where Iwaizumi was still sleeping, quietly walking over to the kitchen. "It's alright, I guess", Oikawa replied eventually. 

"Could you be more vague?" Makki sighed. 

Oikawa chuckled. "I won't tell you anything more. It's Iwa- chan's choice, if he wants to tell you." He took a pan out of one of the cabinets, placing it on the stove. 

"What are you doing, Oikawa?" Makki asked, wondering about the clattering sounds. 

"I want to cook", Oikawa stated matter of factly. 

"You will burn down the house!" 

"You're so mean, Makki! I set the kitchen on fire just once and I have significantly improved since then", Oikawa pouted. 

"I hope so", Makki said, not sounding really convinced. "You have the number of the fire fighters in reach?" 

"Makki!" Oikawa whined. 

"Okay, okay, I'll stop it!" 

"Thank you", Oikawa sighed, beginning to cut some vegetables. 

"You're welcome", Makki replied, grin audible in his voice. "But seriously now. You two are alright?" 

"Yes, mom." 

"And... you are, too?" Makki asked carefully. 

"Why wouldn't I?" Oikawa questioned back, fully aware, what Makki meant. The snort on the other end of the line told him that Makki knew as well. 

"Did the hospital call already?" Makki continued asking. 

Oikawa sighed, stilling in his movements. "Not yet. They're not that fast, Makki. And I told you there's nothing wrong. I just passed out. This can happen, you know?" 

"You passed out?" Iwaizumi's voice from the open door of the kitchen startled Oikawa.

Well, shit.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again :) 
> 
> I already said it (like at the beginning of every single chapter) but still: thanks a lot for reading, commenting, Kudos- I really appreciate that <3
> 
> In today's chapter we get to know a little more about Iwaizumi's problem and the beginning of it all. And as usual I can't go without drama xD 
> 
> Please enjoy! :)

Oikawa hadn't wanted for Iwaizumi to know what had happened the day before. Let alone accidentally overhearing it. 

"Is that Iwaizumi?" Makki was still on the phone, Oikawa remembered. 

"Err...yes, yes, he is... Makki, I'll call you later, okay?" 

"Sure." 

Soon after Oikawa had ended the call and looked down at his phone, clutched in his hand. He could still feel Iwaizumi's gaze on him, searching for something. 

Oikawa sighed, finally looking up. He managed a small smile. "Iwa- chan, don't worry about that, okay? I'm fine." 

Iwaizumi leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed in front of his chest. He looked nothing like close to convinced. "Is that why Makki brought you home yesterday?" 

"Yes", Oikawa admitted. There was no use in lying. "I... I passed out during practice and fell on my bad knee. That's all. I'm fine, though." He turned back to the counter to continue cutting some vegetables. "I'm cooking." 

Iwaizumi snorted. "Let me help you. Otherwise you will set everything on fire..." 

"Iwa- chan!" Oikawa whined. "That was once!" But nevertheless he made room for Iwaizumi to join him. The latter grinned and took the knife out of Oikawa's hand. He didn't show it, but he felt guilty again. Obviously Oikawa wasn't fine- why should he faint otherwise?- and here Iwaizumi was, making Oikawa support him. How pathetic. 

He snapped out of his thoughts as Oikawa nuzzled him lightly with his elbow. "Iwa- chan?" the setter asked. The expression of worry on his features made Iwaizumi want to punch himself. Hard. 

"What is it?" Iwaizumi's words were missing the usual bite. He just couldn't bring himself to act like he normally did. He was far too engrossed by himself. And of course Oikawa noticed that something was off. 

"You spaced out", Oikawa said softly. "I can do this, Iwa- chan, if you want to sit down and rest for a while." 

"I am absolutely capable of cutting some vegetables", Iwaizumi spat angrily and in the same moment he was shocked by his own short outburst. Oikawa hadn't done anything to achieve that. "Fuck, Oikawa, I..." Iwaizumi was in a loss for words. 

"It's okay, Iwa- chan", Oikawa assured him and smiled. It wasn't his most genuine smile, but still. "Let's prepare dinner." 

Iwaizumi nodded and they worked in silence for a while. Iwaizumi was troubled though, but the silence wasn't heavy on them despite the little incident. It wasn't anything to worry about, Iwaizumi thought. He worried about totally different things. 

"Oikawa", he finally broke the silence. "Are you... are you really alright?" Earlier Oikawa had just changed the topic. 

The setter sighed. "I am", he said. "My knee is much better than yesterday already. It doesn't hurt much anymore." 

Iwaizumi nodded slowly. "Okay." Perhaps Oikawa didn't trust him with more, his mind whispered. He had seen him yesterday, seen the mess he was. Of course Oikawa wouldn't tell anything more. Like what had exactly happened. 

"Iwa- chan. You're doing it again", Oikawa said softly. "What are you thinking about?" 

"Nothing", Iwaizumi lied and knew Oikawa would see right through it. But the brown- haired didn't push it. 

"I see. Then let's watch a movie, Iwa- chan", Oikawa singsonged. "Alien?" 

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. "Really, Shittykawa? That again?" 

"Yes!" Oikawa chirped. But Iwaizumi agreed to his film of choice and found himself soon after together with Oikawa on the couch, watching that movie for the nth time, and finding himself enjoying it. Momentarily even his thoughts became quiet. 

***

In his sleep his thoughts were no longer quiet though.

Iwaizumi knew that he was dreaming. He just watched the scene from the sidelines. A silent spectator, who couldn't do anything to change what long had happened. 

Little Iwaizumi sat on a chair at the dining table. The chair across him empty. That had been his place, his father's chair. But it was no longer his. 

His mother sat next to the now empty chair, pushing her food around on her plate. Her eyes were red from crying and Iwaizumi knew, even in his young age, that her tears were because of his father leaving. Leaving them. 

He had promised him to ever be there for him; he had told Iwaizumi that he loved him, but what was that worth, if his father turned his back on him? 

"He has a new family with a new son", his mother had explained, her words bitter and hurt. "His new son will be better than you." 

Iwaizumi didn't know what to make of this. He had tried his best to be a good child, a good son. He had tried to make his father proud. He had done all a seven- year- old boy could do and still it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough, 

He was far too young to understand the reason behind his parents divorce, the real reason. As young as he was Iwaizumi was sure that it had been his fault. If he had done better his father wouldn't have left. That his mother in all her own despair and anger said the same didn't help. 

The little Iwaizumi at the dining table cried silently, the food tasted like nothing. He felt guilty and most of all not good enough. Not good enough to be loved. 

"No one will take you back", Iwaizumi's ex- boyfriend suddenly said, standing right behind him, an evil grin on his face. "No one will love you." 

In his sleep Iwaizumi had started to cry as well. He knew all that, he knew he was unworthy, he didn't need to hear it all over again. It hurt enough as it was. But then there was a warm and comforting touch on his shoulder, even though Iwaizumi couldn't see anyone else in his dream. Just his mother, his little self and his ex- boyfriend. 

"Iwa- chan! Iwa- chan, wake up!" 

It was a familiar voice. A voice, that made warmth spread in his chest and finally Iwaizumi opened his eyes, leaving the dream behind. He blinked several times, his vision all blurry because of the tears, that kept falling. Still he recognized the face in front of him, that looked at him with a worried expression. 

"Iwa- chan..." 

"Oikawa", Iwaizumi said and wiped his face hurriedly, even though Oikawa had already seen his tears. 

"You were crying in your sleep." Oikawa grabbed a bottle of water that stood nearby and passed it to Iwaizumi. 

"Oh", Iwaizumi sighed, opening the offered bottle. "I'm sorry. Just some weird dream." 

Oikawa hummed. "Do you want to talk about it?" 

Iwaizumi shook his head. He didn't, did he? "It is stupid", he finally replied. 

"It can't be stupid, if it makes you cry", Oikawa stated carefully. 

And Iwaizumi felt guilty all over again, that he was the reason why Oikawa looked so worried. Again he held him down because he was too weak to handle his own emotions. "It really is stupid." 

Oikawa sighed, as if he wanted to say something more, but he didn't. Iwaizumi felt grateful that his childhood friend just let this topic slip. At least for now. 

As Oikawa got up from the couch- Iwaizumi must have fallen asleep while watching the movie- the dark- haired man sighed deeply. He could see the concern on Oikawa's features and he hated the fact that he caused it. What could he do to do better? To be better? 

"Oi, Iwa- chan! Don't think too hard", Oikawa teased, but his voice was soft, careful even. It made Iwaizumi nauseous. 

"You don't need to pamper me!" he snapped and Oikawa blinked owlishly at him, frozen in his steps. The setter was in a loss for words. He opened and closed his mouth a few times as if to say something, but didn't. Instead he left for the kitchen. 

Iwaizumi took a few deep breaths, running his hand through his hair. He hadn't meant to snap at Oikawa. He really was a bad person. Oikawa welcomed him back with open arms and Iwaizumi... He sighed deeply. He really was an ungrateful person. It wasn't surprising no one loved him, was it? He heard little sounds from the kitchen, where Oikawa prepared tea. Soon after the setter returned with two steaming mugs in hands and placed them on the table. 

"Iwa- chan", Oikawa spoke, but Iwaizumi interrupted him. 

"I shouldn't have come here", the wing spiker said, looking anywhere but at Oikawa. 

"What do you mean?" Oikawa's brown eyes widened. "Of course you should have! You have no idea, how much I missed you. I'm glad you're here..." 

Iwaizumi shook his head. "You don't mean that. You may think that you are happy, but I can't believe you." The very moment these words left his lips he regretted them. He heard Oikawa gasp and from the corner of his eye he saw him shaking his head in disbelief. 

"Don't you dare accuse me of lying, because I don't, Iwa- chan", Oikawa said. "I have no idea how hard the past six months have been to you, but I know how hard they have been for me." 

Iwaizumi finally looked at Oikawa, searching his face for the truth of his words. "Hard for you? Why? You should have been happy, I was gone. Everybody else for sure was happy I was gone." 

"No", Oikawa breathed. He started to feel dizzy. "No, Iwa- chan . We all were worried. We all wanted you to come back, to talk to us..." 

"Bullshit!" Iwaizumi couldn't stop. He was driven by his insecurities, by his anger against himself for being so weak; at least in his own eyes. The dark- haired got up from the couch. "I will leave and no one will care." 

Oikawa couldn't move a muscle as Iwaizumi passed him and rushed over to the door. This couldn't be happening. Finally he managed to turn around, his vision blurry, as the dizziness increased, but he tried to fight it. This was important. "Iwa- chan", he pleaded. "Don't... don't leave me again. Please..." 

Iwaizumi put on his shoes, hesitating only for a second. He couldn't look at Oikawa, who was close to begging him not to go. He couldn't understand that either. Why did it really sound as if Oikawa would care? No one cared for him, not even Iwaizumi himself. He was unimportant, unworthy. 

"Goodbye, Oikawa", Iwaizumi said and left the apartment. 

As the soft click of the closing door echoed through the room Oikawa stood there, shell- shocked. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be... 

Oikawa's thoughts were cut short as the dizziness increased once more. He had already passed out as his body hit the floor.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone :)   
> This chapter will be a little more fluffy I guess? But the drama isn't over yet ;) 
> 
> Thanks again for reading! It means a lot to me <3

The first thing Oikawa saw as he regained consciousness again was a white ceiling. It wasn't the ceiling of his livingroom, where he remembered to have been. The second thing was the smell of disinfectants. And the third one a relieved breath next to him. 

"Oikawa ", Hanamaki breathed. 

Oikawa turned his head. Hanamaki sat on a chair next to the bed he lay in. Oh, he was at the hospital. He frowned. "Makki...", he said. "Why... why am I here?" 

"You don't remember?" 

"Not exactly... I... I fainted, I guess?" Oikawa's eyes widened. "Iwa- chan! He... he left, Makki. He left again!" 

Hanamaki reached out to take Oikawa's hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Breathe, Oikawa. Don't panic now, please..." 

"But... but he's gone again... he..." Oikawa felt tears building up in his eyes. 

"We will take care of it, okay? He left without his bag, though. He needs to come back", Hanamaki said matter of factly. That thought really calmed Oikawa down a little. But there was something else.

"How do you know that?" Oikawa asked puzzled. 

Hanamaki grinned. "I saw his bag in your apartment as I found you, I wanted to check on the two of you, but as you didn't answer the door or my calls I used the spare key. Luckily I have one." He squeezed Oikawa's hand once more. "I will get a doctor to check on you. They wanted to be informed as soon as you're awake." 

Oikawa nodded. "Thank you, Makki." 

Hanamaki waved his hand dismissively. "Don't mention it." 

***

Iwaizumi left the apartment house Oikawa lived in and felt so angry and guilty and... disappointed. He stopped in his tracks. Disappointed? He couldn't help but crooke a grin. Of course he subconsciously had awaited that Oikawa would follow him. Stop him. 

It wasn't as if the other man hadn't tried to, but stubborn as Iwaizumi was he had left nevertheless. And now he didn't just feel bad because of leaving like he did, but also because of having hoped Oikawa would run after him. It seemed he wasn't as important as Oikawa had said, Iwaizumi thought bitterly. 

He continued walking without really knowing where he went. At least he had his wallet with him, so he could grab a coffee somewhere and think through what he wanted to do now. His stuff was still at Oikawa's place though and after he had calmed down a little, Iwaizumi really wanted to punch himself for his stupidity. But what was done, was done. 

Iwaizumi sighed, running a hand through his spiky hair, as he walked down the street. For sure he needed to buy lots of milk bread to make it up to Oikawa. There was no doubt he would go back later and apologize. But for now Iwaizumi just wanted to clear his head for a while. 

After some time he entered a coffee house and sat down at a table at one of the windows, ordering a coffee as the waitress came. Once more he wondered what was wrong with him. There had been no need to be that harsh to Oikawa or even to run away like he had done. Oikawa must be worried sick by now. But more likely the setter would be angry. Iwaizumi crooked a grin. He deserved Oikawa's anger. He deserved that more than his concern or worry. At least Iwaizumi was sure about that. 

"Iwaizumi?" a familiar voice interrupted his thoughts. He looked up, caught by surprise. 

"Mattsun?" 

Matsukawa grinned. "Long time no see. Is that chair taken?" He gestured to the chair across from Iwaizumi. The latter shook his head and Matsukawa sat down, still grinning, but Iwaizumi felt that he got observed at the same time. "Makki told me just yesterday you were back. Is Oikawa around as well?" 

Iwaizumi scratched the back of his neck. "To be honest, no..." 

"Hmm", Matsukawa hummed, tilting his head. "So, what's wrong? I awaited Oikawa to cling to you, since you were gone so long. He missed you like crazy, you know?" 

"He did?" Iwaizumi mumbled, obviously not believing Matsukawa's words. 

"You have no idea", Matsukawa groaned. "It was bad. But enough about that. What's up? You can tell uncle Mattsun." Against his playful tone Matsukawa's eyes showed seriousness. 

Iwaizumi sighed heavily. Perhaps it wasn't that bad to talk about his thoughts. "You won't leave me alone if I don't, will you?" 

Matsukawa nodded. "You get me. So, tell me what's bothering you and why your significant other isn't here."

"Significant other?" Iwaizumi repeated and it made him smile a little. Oikawa and him had been attached at their hips or so it had seemed since they first had met. And Iwaizumi had to admit that he had felt like coming home as he had come to Oikawa yesterday and that he felt somewhat lost since he had run away. Out of stupid anger and guilt. He sighed once more, Matsukawa patiently waiting for him to begin. 

Matsukawa hadn't known what to expect, but as Iwaizumi told him about the latest events he was surprised to say the least. And not in a good way. 

"Sometimes you really are stupid", he said, lightly punching Iwaizumi's arm. "Oikawa cares for you a lot. But you really need to apologize..." 

Iwaizumi crooked a grin. "I know. Thought of buying tons of milk bread..." 

Matsukawa chuckled. "He can't say no to milk bread", he agreed, his expression then changing into a more serious one. "I'm sorry for not having been there for you back then. And I call myself your friend..." He scratched the back of his head, as Iwaizumi shook his head. 

"I left, you know? There was nothing you could have done", he said, wondering. "I honestly am surprised that you... that you care..." 

"Are you dumb?" Matsukawa shot back. "Of course I do! And Makki, too! This terrible person of your ex- boyfriend does really deserve a few punches in the face..." 

Iwaizumi blinked. He couldn't really understand that Matsukawa was on his side as well. Nothing like he did deserve it, like Iwaizumi always made himself believe. But he was grateful and felt a little more like his old self; the one he had been before the incident, before his absence. The voices of doubt and guilt were still loud in his head though, but he didn't regret his decision to tell Matsukawa. That had been much easier than to talk to Oikawa about all that. 

The ringing of Matsukawa's phone interrupted their conversation and Mattsun picked up immediately, a smile on his face. 

"Makki", he grinned. "Do you already miss me?" But his playful attitude vanished, as Hanamaki spoke on the other end of the line. Matsukawa's eyes widened a little and Iwaizumi saw him swallow. A feeling of uneasiness spread in Iwaizumi's guts. 

"Is he alright?- Hmh. I'm here with Iwaizumi. Can we both come over?" 

Iwaizumi frowned while Matsukawa talked to Hanamaki and finally ended the call. He looked at Iwaizumi, concerned. 

"That was Makki- but you already know that", Matsukawa said, running his hands through his dark hair. "He is at the hospital. With Oikawa..." 

Iwaizumi's mouth went dry as he stared at Matsukawa. He wanted to ask what had happened, but he couldn't find the words to do so. 

"Makki found him at his apartment. Unconscious. But he is already awake again", he explained what Hanamaki had told him. "Wanna go to the hospital?" 

Iwaizumi just nodded. What had happened? He couldn't help but feel responsible. Oikawa must have collapsed after Iwaizumi left. Was it his fault? Of course it was, he answered his own question immediately. He followed Matsukawa to his car. 

***

The sight of Oikawa in the hospital bed pained Iwaizumi, as he entered the room a few steps behind Matsukawa. Hanamaki sat on a chair at the bedside. Iwaizumi heard his own heart beating violently in his chest. 

"Iwa- chan!" Oikawa's voice was soft, and sounded surprised and relieved. 

Iwaizumi met his gaze, his whole posture showing his insecurity, his guilt. 

Matsukawa snorted. "And I don't get a greeting?" he teased, but without any real bite. 

"Oh, of course! Hello, Mattsun", Oikawa smiled, but then looked again at Iwaizumi. 

Hanamaki cleared his throat and got up from the chair. "Mattsun and me will grab a coffee", he announced, pulling his friend with him and out of the room. "See you later!" 

And with that Oikawa and Iwaizumi were alone. The latter shifted on his feet, chewing on his lower lip. He didn't know what to say, what to think. 

"Iwa- chan? Come over here", Oikawa said eventually and Iwaizumi moved without giving his movements much of a thought. Oikawa smiled shyly at him and Iwaizumi could see the wetness in his eyes. He swallowed dry. 

"I'm... I'm so sorry", Iwaizumi croaked and was surprised as he noticed tears blurring his own vision as well. He still stood a few steps away from Oikawa's bed, shoulders trembling. 

"Iwa- chan..", Oikawa sniffed. "It's okay. And come a little closer." He lifted his arm, reaching out for Iwaizumi, who once more obeyed. Only a heartbeat later Iwaizumi found himself in Oikawa's arms, the setter just holding him tight.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone :) 
> 
> Here's the second- last chapter. Hope you'll enjoy :) 
> 
> Thanks again so mich for reading and commenting and Kudos! That really makes me happy :D 
> 
> Have a nice day!

The proximity made Iwaizumi tear up even more. Since he had cried his heart out just yesterday he was mildly surprised that there were still tears left. And he could feel Oikawa was crying as well. A while it was only that- the two men holding each other and desperately crying, but little by little it subsided. They didn't let go of each other yet. Iwaizumi's head rested on Oikawa's chest and he could hear the other man's heartbeat. It was calming. 

"I really am sorry", Iwaizumi all but whispered after a while. "I shouldn't have run off like that." 

Oikawa stroke Iwaizumi's hair in a soothing way. "Yeah, you shouldn't have", he sniffed. "But as long as you come back I will forgive you. Okay?" 

Iwaizumi's grip around Oikawa tightened a little. "I thought of buying some milk bread to make it up to you..." 

Oikawa chuckled. "You need to buy lots of milk bread then." 

"Everything it takes for you to forgive me", Iwaizumi said. In the next moment he pushed himself up on his elbow, eyes alert. "Damn, I'm crying all over you and you have been hospitalized just now! Are you okay? Are you hurt?" 

"Iwa- chan", Oikawa smiled, his face still wet from his own tears. "I'm fine. Really. I just... passed out." 

"Again?" Iwaizumi looked worried. "Wasn't it just yesterday that Malki brought you home because you collapsed?" 

Oikawa sighed. "Yes. It happened a lot lately. But it's nothing serious. The doctor already talked to me." 

Iwaizumi wasn't really convinced. "Then why did that happen again?" 

Oikawa worried his bottom lip. "You will get mad at me..." 

"Mad? Why?" Iwaizumi asked puzzled, when it dawned him. "You did overwork yourself, didn't you?" 

Oikawa's silence after that was enough of an answer. 

"You really do need me around to take care of you, huh?" Iwaizumi sighed. 

"Not just because of that", Oikawa mumbled, looking anywhere but at Iwaizumi. "I missed you so much as you were gone." 

Warmth spread in Iwaizumi's chest, as he brought his forehead against Oikawa's. "You really missed me?" It was still hard to believe. He wasn't important to anyone, was he? But here Oikawa was, saying these things, and not for the first time. Regardless Iwaizumi's doubts gnawed at him. 

"Of course, Iwa- chan! I missed you like crazy." 

And it felt good to hear that. It felt good to be back. 

***

Iwaizumi startled from his sleep, looking around while his heart beat violently in his chest. Cold sweat covered his skin, as he groaned and ruffled his hair. He was safe, he was at Oikawa's apartment. Everything was fine. 

"Iwa- chan?"

Oikawa's voice made him jump and look over his shoulder. Oikawa stood in the doorway, looking worriedly at him. 

"Oikawa. I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?" 

Oikawa approached the futon, Iwaizumi slept on since he had come back. "It's okay. Do... do you want to talk about it?"

"About what?" 

Oikawa's smile showed that Iwaizumi couldn't fool him. His childhood best friend could see right through him. But Oikawa answered nevertheless. "You had a nightmare, hadn't you?" He sat next to Iwaizumi, shoulders touching. 

"Yeah", Iwaizumi sighed, rubbing his face. He raised a brow, as Oikawa laid down, holding his arm out. 

"Come here", Oikawa demanded softly. And Iwaizumi did without any hesitation, placing his head on Oikawa's chest, while the setter put his arms around him. The warmth calmed Iwaizumi immediately and he liked the sound of Oikawa's heart beating, 

Oikawa had been home from hospital since that morning and even though he had been away for only two days, the doctors had wanted to make sure everything was alright, Iwaizumi had missed him. A lot. 

"It was just a stupid dream", Iwaizumi mumbled. "I don't want to bother you with that." 

"Iwa- chan. You could never bother me. If you want to talk about anything I will be there to listen. But I won't push you." 

Oikawa's words sounded so honest it made Iwaizumi smile. It felt so good to be back. It felt so good to be with Oikawa again. It really felt like home. 

"I... I dreamt about my father. The time when he left us", Iwaizumi eventually said. "I use to dream about that quite often lately. About the feeling as he had left, about the things my mother said. It was my fault. If I could have been a better son he wouldn't have left. I relive that over and over again." 

Oikawa's breath hitched. "Iwa- chan, you were only seven years old! Whatever the reason for your father's decision was, it wasn't your fault! It was something between your parents." 

Iwaizumi shook his head, eyes already burning with tears. "It was mine, Oikawa! Mom said that, too. She said it was all my fault, because I wasn't good enough. I never am good enough."

It pained Oikawa to hear these words from Iwaizumi. All these things that weren't true. His mother must have been hurt back then to say something like that to her own child. And Iwaizumi had believed her. Of course, she was his mother, Oikawa tightened his embrace around the other man. 

"You are such a wonderful person. I wish you could see that, Hajime..." 

Iwaizumi cried again, while Oikawa stroke his back and hair. He couldn't see what Oikawa meant. He was a mess. Couldn't Oikawa see that? 

***

As Iwaizumi woke up the next morning he found his head resting on Oikawa's chest, the other man's arms still around him. He had slept the rest of the night without further nightmares and felt well- rested for the first time in a while. Carefully he lifted his head, glancing up at Oikawa's face and was greeted with a peaceful sight. Oikawa was still asleep, his breathing deep and even, his long lashes a contrast to his light skin. Iwaizumi didn't want to disturb the other's sleep; Oikawa seemed as if he hadn't had much good rest either lately. Although he was sleeping peacefully Iwaizumi noticed the exhaustion on his features. 

Oikawa's eyelids fluttered open as Iwaizumi looked at him. Brown eyes blinked a few times and Oikawa's face lit up with a small smile. 

"Iwa- chan, are you staring at me?" he said, suppressing a yawn. 

"How would I stare at you?" Iwaizumi replied. "You're drooling in your sleep. That's gross." 

"So mean, Iwa- chan!" Oikawa pouted, but changed his expression within a heartbeat. "Did you sleep well?" 

Iwaizumi nodded. "I did. But you look like you would need a little more sleep." 

"Did you just say I look bad? That's so mean again!" Oikawa whined. 

Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa, looked him directly in the eye, and noticed the tiredness that still lingered there. "I'm sorry for waking you up last night. You need to rest and I..." 

"I need to be there for my Iwa- chan", Oikawa interrupted. "I haven't slept until I came to you, to be honest. It was good for me as well, you know?" 

"Why couldn't you sleep?" Iwaizumi asked. 

Oikawa smiled wryly. "Overthinking things." 

Iwaizumi nodded slowly. "I see." He knew better than anyone that Oikawa could get lost in his thoughts. It had been the same at Aoba Johsai and earlier. No matter how much Oikawa tried he couldn't find rest. Back then Iwaizumi had lived next door to him and had had some kind of sixth sense when it came to Oikawa. He had always known when he had a rough night and had come over to sleep over. And in his presence Oikawa had mostly found the much needed rest. It was nice somehow that he still could find sleep next to Iwaizumi. 

"I thought", Oikawa spoke again. "We could go to Miyagi. Visit our families. I haven't been there for a while." 

Iwaizumi hummed. "Sounds good. But don't you have classes and practice?" 

"Not for another week at least. The doctor told me to take it easy for a while." 

"You are finally listening to the doctor's orders?" Iwaizumi raised a brow and laughed, as Oikawa elbowed him. 

"So mean! Maybe I should go alone", Oikawa pouted. 

"No, no. It sounds like a good idea. Let's go to Miyagi." 

Perhaps it would be good for him as well to get away from Tokyo for a while.


	7. Chapter 7

Their hometown hadn't changed at all since their last visit, but that wasn't surprising. It was a small town, life was slow here and changes rare. Iwaizumi hadn't known how much he had missed it before he walked with Oikawa to their houses. They hadn't called their families that they were about to visit and wanted to surprise them. 

Hanamaki and Matsukawa would have liked to join them, but unlike Iwaizumi and Oikawa they had classes. But both of them had said that they would accompany them at their next visit. 

The first stop was Iwaizumi's house and the dark- haired man seemed to tense up. Oikawa noticed and reached out to squeeze Iwaizumi's hand gently. 

"Do you want me to come with you?" he asked, looking closely at his best friend. 

"I'm just visiting my mom", Iwaizumi mumbled, but not letting go of Oikawa's hand. He was afraid without really knowing the reason. Or maybe he did. In all his nightmares his mother played a rather big role. He still could hear the things she said to him, the things that haunted him in his sleep. 

But Oikawa didn't push it. He just gave Iwaizumi's hand another squeeze. "Come over later, alright? I will be waiting for you." 

Iwaizumi nodded and watched Oikawa walk over to his own house. He took a deep breath before he approached the frontdoor and knocked. 

***

Oikawa felt uneasy for leaving Iwaizumi alone. Sure, he was just visiting his mother, Oikawa knew since he was a child as well, but it seemed different this time. Iwaizumi had never been anxious about many things, but lately Iwaizumi was afraid nearly all the time. Afraid and insecure. It pained Oikawa to see his best friend in such a state, and it pained him even more not to be able to help him. No matter how often he told Iwaizumi that he did care for him, that the wing spiker was important to him, Iwaizumi wasn't really able to believe him. 

The warm welcome in his own home could only help a little to get his thoughts away from Iwaizumi. He wondered how he was doing, while his own mother cooked his favorite food and chatted about everything and anything that had happened since Oikawa's last visit. Oikawa didn't really pay attention, but his mother didn't seem to notice or she just didn't mind. Either ways Oikawa could hardly wait for seeing Iwaizumi again. He needed to know if he was fine. 

***

Iwaizumi's mother was really surprised to have her son visiting out of the blue, but Iwaizumi- san scolded him as well for being away for so long. "I was worried, Hajime", she said and ushered her son into the kitchen. "Sit down. I'll make some tea and something to eat. You look like you haven't eaten well lately." 

Iwaizumi scratched the back of his neck. "Thank you, Okasan..." He sat down at the kitchen table, an uneasy feeling twisting his guts. This table, this kitchen and this woman had been very present in his nightmares. He chewed at the inside of his cheek. 

"You seem worried, Hajime", his mother said. "What's wrong?" She placed a cup of tea in front of him and sat down herself. As Iwaizumi remained silent, the woman sighed. "You don't need to tell your old mother, but I want you to know you can. I will listen." 

"Why?" Iwaizumi asked puzzled. 

"What do you mean, why?" Iwaizumi- san raised a brow in confusion. "Because you're my son and I care for you. Isn't that enough of a reason?" 

Iwaizumi snorted, mouth twisting into a bitter smile. "You do? I can't see that..." He hadn't planned to talk to his mother about all this, but now he couldn't stop himself. "You may think you care, but do you really? As father left all you ever told me was how this was my fault and that I wasn't good enough. If you think so, why should I talk to you about my worries?" 

His mother looked at him, shocked, her eyes slowly blinking. "Hajime...", she said and it sounded hurt. "Of course I care! The things I said... I... I know they were wrong. I do know now. But back then... as your father left me, left us... I felt so helpless and overwhelmed and I said things I shouldn't have said. Certainly not to my seven- year- old son." She sighed deeply. "I didn't know this affected you that much." 

Iwaizumi laughed bitterly. "Oh, it did. And it does until now. What do you think? You're my mother and you told me how all of that was my fault. That if I had been better, father wouldn't have left us. I believed you, because why should my mother lie to me?" 

Iwaizumi- san looked at Iwaizumi, eyes watering. "I'm so sorry, Hajime! I was so hurt back then, I couldn't think clearly. Nothing of that was your fault. I just wasn't able to see that at first. You know... I went to see a therapist, a while after your father left. I was depressed. This can't be an excuse. I shouldn't have said these things to you in the first place, but I can't take them back. All I can do now is apologize." She smiled sadly, tears running down her cheeks. "You're a wonderful person, Hajime, and you have never done anything wrong. It wasn't your fault your father left us." 

Iwaizumi couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. It wasn't his fault? How could he believe that now? But the sight of his mother tearing up and apologizing made him at least think about her words, searching for their truth. He didn't notice he was crying as well until his mother got up from her chair and pulled Iwaizumi in a tight embrace. 

"I'm sorry for hurting you like that, Hajime", she sobbed. "I'm so sorry!" 

And once again Iwaizumi found himself crying, embracing his mother in return. 

***

It was already dark as Iwaizumi went over to the Oikawa's house. He felt emotionally exhausted but relieved at the same time. Oikawa opened the door and Iwaizumi was immediately met by an expression of concern. 

"Iwa- chan", Oikawa said and made room for the other man to enter. "Are you... are you alright?" 

Iwaizumi crooked a grin and shrugged. "Think so." 

Oikawa nodded slowly and left it at that for now. "My mom sleeps already. Are you hungry?" 

"I ate with my mother. I'm just tired", Iwaizumi replied. 

Oikawa reached out to take Iwaizumi's hand in his and led the way to his bedroom- not that Iwaizumi wouldn't have found the way on his own; he knew Oikawa's house as well as his own. But the contact was nice, so he let himself be guided. 

"I talked to my mother", Iwaizumi said, as both of them had laid down on Oikawa's bed, next to each other. 

"That was to be expected. I haven't thought you would sit there in silence..." 

Iwaizumi nuzzled Oikawa's side with his elbow, grinning. "I talked to her about my father", Iwaizumi explained. 

"You did?" Oikawa's gaze met Iwaizumi's. "You're sure you're alright?" 

"Yeah. Just... a little exhausted", Iwaizumi answered and then told Oikawa about his conversation with his mother, the setter listening quietly. 

"Wow", Oikawa said, after Iwaizumi had finished. "That's... that's a good thing, isn't it?" 

"I think so. But I wished I had known, I wish she wouldn't have said these things...", Iwaizumi sighed. "But I think I can understand her a little better now." 

Oikawa hummed. "And maybe you are able to believe that people care for you in the future, hmm? I wish you could ." 

Iwaizumi squeezed Oikawa's hand, that rested still in his. "Maybe." But he knew it wasn't that easy. Just because he understood now the years and years of anxiety and insecurity wouldn't vanish. There was still some way to go before he could believe that he mattered. 

"You know, Iwa- chan? I really care for you, I always have since we met as children", Oikawa said after a few heartbeats of silence. 

Iwaizumi smiled. "I think I can try to believe that." 

Oikawa smiled back at him and it felt warm and honest. Iwaizumi felt at ease as he lay there with Oikawa under the glow- in- the- dark star- stickers they had placed on the ceiling as they were kids. And he was glad to have come home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone :) 
> 
> So, this is it... I finished this fic already a few weeks ago but now it's finally posted and really over xD 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, commenting, Kudos, bookmarks! That really means a lot to me :D 
> 
> Thank you so, so much!   
> Have a wonderful day :)


End file.
